Basically i think i have changed a lot ever since im back from the US.
Ive learnt to think further than i should.
Ive to plan for my life.

Also, ive made many sarcrifics along with it
ive learnt to listen more than i speak.
Learnt that i may not get everything i want in life
Learnt that its not so much of what i want, its more of how does it affect the other party/
learnt to control my emotions and speak things of necessary
I ve learnt to try not to hurt anyone with my words or actions if possible.
i ve learnt to be a people , people. Ego is not everytime.

I.

Its pretty scary.
I am telling you the truth.
I am not as strong as i may seems like.
I am not as positive as you may assume.

I have a lot of comfort zone.
i am not easily buy over.
i need a lot of trust and assurance.
sometimes i have no idea why i do certain things.

The only one who allowed me to have trust in the only relationship
is peony. apparently!
And honestly i want the next one to be you.
i want to tell you all abt me so i can be a transparent to you.
so you dont have to doubt us.
Bcos you seems nice, i want to know you more.
but i dont know how to show.
& i am pretty sad its coming to end even before i can picture us.

I know you are scared.
so do i .
im just a simple minded person.
a house , a person to love and to be love , a dog and a life .
its really a pity.
bcos i feel you judge too soon.
but maybe you are right . cheers!

Edmund, gosh you are really deep.

I got this from my leader.

- One bad example made , ten good examples to cover one bad one up.

Good news on my job.
I am going to have 3 peoples joining my own team.
My team name. 3D.
It stands for Desires, Determination and Destiny.
Quite excited.

Bad news.
Was quite neg out the past week.
sales down, mentality low.
Couldn't focus.

Good news.
Found my curse, fixed it.
now i am back on track.

Realised that i cant be too impatient with success.
baby steps, that whats i learnt.
a lot of hard work have been put in so far.
so much time on my job
not enough time to rest, let alone to have fun.
I asked my Ceo, whats the criteria to go Taiwan for business trip?

He just mentioned, 5 people.
He added, 5 Good people in your team.
Positive ones.
Honestly, in this business, its a tough task.

I dont even feel like a good leader or rather i am not a good
leader to get everything started.
But Success doesnt comes without having to face failure first.

Sidetrack
I miss the days at US.
Something bad about this job.
Just sometimes i cant complain about this job.
Cause i am the one who wants it.
If i were to say how bad it is, it only prove how right others are.
All i want is to go home everyday without having to hear more negative.
Imagine listening to 100 rejection a day.
All i want is to go home and see a happy face and hear some good news.
But my parent dont understand, turning the situation around.
i know how they feel. But having to compose my emotion at work,
i just wish i can let out my own emotions at home and not considering
other's emotion.
I cant wait for my success.

so many nights. everything felt alright.
till last night when i heard what angel said.
i understand how she felt, i know what she meant.
cause its the same you gave me too.
i felt the warmth that gave me security.
but its so distant. the memories at yellowstone
so vague yet distinct.
im sure it all over for sure.

Today i was promoted to the second stage .
then my leader told me, michelle.
Get ready okay, i am going to focus a lot on you.

Suddenly the pressure starts to build up.
Whats seems so far fetched , so unreal is coming my way.
I dont even know i have the ability to achieve whats seems
so far. i may not even do it. & so what if i reach that height
am i able to maintain it? i might lose it all .

Never did i thought that , Char was the one who
enlightened me. She told me, why are you worrying so much.
when you are there, you will surely know how to handle it.
etc.
100 tonnes are taken away from my shoulder.

The funny thing is , i never expect Char to give such great
comfort on such topic like this. then i was a little attracted
to that part. After everything, Char is back to herself again.
hmm. Ps: its just everyone have different needs.

Then.... i was thinking of my other half. i am hoping to have
her/ him soon. i am happy for those who have found their half.
esp peony. seriously its not easy. thats why i am wondering,
why are pple still so playful toward relationship? if you're playing
with the wrong choice, then so be it. What if you're playing with
the potential one? Regret.

But i have a feeling, mine is coming soon. hahaha.

Topic: love

Living tog with one person for 4 months.
like an exact married couple.
Its not easy. i have learnt more than i realise.
i have learnt to give, receive and GIVE your all.
there is a risk of course.

No risk, no nothing.
Many failure rates, only one success rate to find
your one.
But every failed relationship brings you closer to
find your one. To treasure the next one better,
to understand the next one better.
I was dumb in the past to compare one with another.
everyone is individual. thats makes one special enough
to attract.

& i have just understand that,
peony and i are compatiable in many ways .
but the only difference is we have different dreams to pursue.
My dream is to get recognisation in my career, travel ard the world
and to have a house to go back to, and in that house holds another
independent and strong woman who is willing to spend her life
with me and be fully committeted just i am.
at the age of 21, im not talking about living tog forever till death bed.
im more of talking about be fully committed and dont set a back door
for herself. i dont know.

i think this is workable and i have a feeling i am able to achieve it.
anyway, i am not in the rush. & i totally believe that you dont have
to go searching for it. how hard are the chances that you find someone
you really will risk it for her/him and its happens in a mutual way.
Therefore, If it comes, it really will. it happened to me before in a magical way.

GOALS to achieve till my 22nd Birthday
- Melboure
- Switzerland ( depending on char)
- Business trip to Taiwan and many countries
- Dont know where the hell i will be one year later. but somewhere HIGH.

Back from the US for about 2 weeks now.
Job offers. Employer look more interested than i am.
Life is so unpredictable now.
I used to have a visual of what i want.
But didnt know its seem harder in reality.

5 months taught me how to be independent
but didnt teach me the process to it.
I have everything when im there.
Friends, a job i like, a place to call my own
and someone to love and to be loved.
Ups and downs. But still life was meaningful at a slow pace.

Now i feel that i have lost that part of me.
I got better friends now though and... family.
I didnt expect it to be such a low point at sg.
Maybe im demanding.
Truth to be told that, I do have a job if i wan,people who
cares and a place to stay.
" I do not count my blessings "
but somehow i feel so lost , so scare and lonely.

break my heart.
no one to be blame, no one to take the blame.
i am so afraid of opening up again.
i was hurt, lie to and once again.

"Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright.

Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore..."

i offered shelter when you were down.
i stayed with you so you have someone to cry on.
now i accept your reasons
and i want to be happy for you.
But you taught me the hard way to let go.